Pancum Yarlomtstaf is a god.

She takes the form of a nine thousand metre long, dishonourable dragon.

Pancum Yarlomtstaf created a top quark four quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Pancum Yarlomtstaf, she will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Pancum Yarlomtstaf, she will ignore you and hope you go away.

Pancum Yarlomtstaf's most sacred site is Cusihuiriachi in Mexico.

Pancum Yarlomtstaf's Holy Commandments

1. Never pour water over plants.

2. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

3. Always look after injured monkeys.

4. Pancum Yarlomtstaf loves swans, so they must be respected.

5. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.