Cetgarcar is a god.

It takes the form of a giant, staggering newt.

Cetgarcar created matter five quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Cetgarcar, it will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Cetgarcar, it will think nothing of it.

Cetgarcar's most sacred site is Nanjie in China.

Cetgarcar's Holy Commandments

1. Do not hurt seals.

2. Never tolerate songs in holy places.

3. You must pray to Cetgarcar seven times a day.

4. Always pray in complete darkness.

5. Do not prepare beans while wearing hats.

Ril is a god.

It takes the form of a planet-sized, contented mouse.

Ril created tapeworms seven trillion years ago.

If you believe in Ril, it will smite all your enemies.

If you do not believe in Ril, it will ignore you.

Ril's most sacred site is Gulval in England.

Ril's Holy Commandments

1. Respect your elders.

2. Never think about the weak nuclear force near dolphins while wearing magenta dresses and balancing four silver spheres on your feet.

3. Always share spinach with strangers, but never with ducks.

4. Always check lakes for frogs.

5. Do not sit in public.

Stanfossjampas is a god.

He takes the form of a five hundred metre long, competent hummingbird.

Stanfossjampas created dark matter eight million years ago.

If you believe in Stanfossjampas, he will grant all your wishes.

If you do not believe in Stanfossjampas, he will not care at all.

Stanfossjampas' most sacred site is Kerris in England.

Stanfossjampas' Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

2. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

3. Always wash your chest before prayer.

4. Do not fashion models of living things.

5. Do not listen to heathen tongues.

Tanzedtab is a god.

She takes the form of a blubbery, cheerful owl.

Tanzedtab created time and space four thousand years ago.

If you believe in Tanzedtab, she will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Tanzedtab, she will ignore you and hope you go away.

Tanzedtab's most sacred site is Brechfa in Wales.

Tanzedtab's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink water in violet rooms.

2. Pray only in shadows.

3. Erect a large nickel sculpture of Tanzedtab on top of all buildings.

4. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.

5. Do not name children after manatees.

Bifjatton is a god.

She takes the form of an one thousand metre long, happy mouse.

Bifjatton created the planet Mars two million years ago.

If you believe in Bifjatton, she will approve.

If you do not believe in Bifjatton, she will destroy your favourite planet.

Bifjatton's most sacred site is Manna in Greece.

Bifjatton's Holy Commandments

1. Never write about solid mechanics.

2. Do not kill whales.

3. Pray only in shadows.

4. Bifjatton must be the most important thing in your life.

5. Always make a point of helping unfortunate pigs.

Gambadpod is a god.

He takes the form of a very small, self-assured walrus.

Gambadpod created an atom four trillion years ago.

If you believe in Gambadpod, he will grant your every desire.

If you do not believe in Gambadpod, he will be very sad.

Gambadpod's most sacred site is Nakke in Denmark.

Gambadpod's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about spacetime near frogs while wearing indigo kilts.

2. Feed all hungry turtles.

3. Never record names.

4. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Gambadpod.

5. Do not leap at forests.

Ontmilnarlrenster is a god.

She takes the form of an enormous, witty giraffe.

Ontmilnarlrenster created humanity five billion years ago.

If you believe in Ontmilnarlrenster, she will celebrate by creating some galaxies.

If you do not believe in Ontmilnarlrenster, she will jump up and down on your head.

Ontmilnarlrenster's most sacred site is Outchimedu in India.

Ontmilnarlrenster's Holy Commandments

1. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

2. Do not make images of living things.

3. Put Ontmilnarlrenster first in all things.

4. Do not fashion sacred items from ash.

5. Never talk about dark matter near horses while wearing brown rings and balancing six nickel spheres on your back.

Mobnadyat is a god.

She takes the form of a plump, smart finch.

Mobnadyat created the planet Earth eight billion years ago.

If you believe in Mobnadyat, she will grant your every desire.

If you do not believe in Mobnadyat, she will curse you with boils.

Mobnadyat's most sacred site is Dzhanka in Bulgaria.

Mobnadyat's Holy Commandments

1. Always act with humility when addressing strangers.

2. Never sprint in holy places.

3. Do not speak sacred words in autumn.

4. Your children must be taught to worship Mobnadyat.

5. Never paint your feet purple.