Arfcapham Yartontarp is a god.

She takes the form of a slim, generous swallow.

Arfcapham Yartontarp created Mount Everest three million years ago.

If you believe in Arfcapham Yartontarp, she will grant you immortality.

If you do not believe in Arfcapham Yartontarp, she will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Arfcapham Yartontarp's most sacred site is Hetta in Finland.

Arfcapham Yartontarp's Holy Commandments

1. Always face the north before speaking sacred words.

2. Always make a point of helping unfortunate tapirs.

3. Do not fashion tools from aluminium.

4. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.

5. Never go into purple rooms.

Zogsakgom is a god.

He takes the form of a blubbery, overgenerous parrot.

Zogsakgom created the planet Earth nine million years ago.

If you believe in Zogsakgom, he will be happy.

If you do not believe in Zogsakgom, he will send two she bears to sort you out.

Zogsakgom's most sacred site is Borolong in Botswana.

Zogsakgom's Holy Commandments

1. Do not gather at doors at midnight.

2. Never think about optics.

3. Pray only in firelight.

4. Do not wear zinc on your body.

5. Never eat bark.

Lipgessfas is a god.

He takes the form of a fat, vain warg.

Lipgessfas created water five billion years ago.

If you believe in Lipgessfas, he will approve.

If you do not believe in Lipgessfas, he will name a particularly small and pointless dust cloud after you.

Lipgessfas' most sacred site is Ringford in Scotland.

Lipgessfas' Holy Commandments

1. Always check lakes for frogs.

2. Do not listen to heathen tongues.

3. Do not travel during autumn.

4. Erect three copper sculptures of Lipgessfas on top of important buildings.

5. Do not fashion tools from carbon.

Quillfatgeblamhasjigrull is a god.

She takes the form of a five thousand metre long, uncaring coyote.

Quillfatgeblamhasjigrull created carbon five billion years ago.

If you believe in Quillfatgeblamhasjigrull, she will give you a free moon.

If you do not believe in Quillfatgeblamhasjigrull, she will say rude things about you at parties.

Quillfatgeblamhasjigrull's most sacred site is Romlund in Denmark.

Quillfatgeblamhasjigrull's Holy Commandments

1. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

2. Nematodes are not to be trusted.

3. Never eat pineapples.

4. Do not wear tights marked with fawn.

5. Do not cook food in pots.

Betsigmidhotwigyakxuc is a god.

He takes the form of a giant, boastful chicken.

Betsigmidhotwigyakxuc created the Milkyway seven quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Betsigmidhotwigyakxuc, he will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Betsigmidhotwigyakxuc, he will destroy your favourite dwarf planet.

Betsigmidhotwigyakxuc's most sacred site is Omaweneno in Botswana.

Betsigmidhotwigyakxuc's Holy Commandments

1. Never remain kneeling at dusk.

2. Always pray in complete darkness.

3. Erect a giant white sculpture of Betsigmidhotwigyakxuc in the centre of the settlement.

4. Do not drink water in gray rooms.

5. Never gather nine squirrels near towers.

Femhiv is a god.

She takes the form of a very heavy, all-knowing naga.

Femhiv created the planet Venus three hundred thousand years ago.

If you believe in Femhiv, she will celebrate by creating some nebulas.

If you do not believe in Femhiv, she will strike you with lightening.

Femhiv's most sacred site is Goldcliff in Wales.

Femhiv's Holy Commandments

1. Never mix figs with oil.

2. Never feed lots of rice to cats while wearing pink rings.

3. Do not kill doves.

4. Never talk about quantum gravity.

5. Always look both ways before crossing roads.

Bumstipstaf is a god.

She takes the form of a planet-sized, smart cyclops-rhinoceros-snail.

Bumstipstaf created the Andromeda Galaxy eight trillion years ago.

If you believe in Bumstipstaf, she will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Bumstipstaf, she will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Bumstipstaf's most sacred site is Manja in Madagascar.

Bumstipstaf's Holy Commandments

1. Never jump in spring.

2. Never adorn your head with red markings.

3. Do not trade with those who eat grapes.

4. Always make sure there are no sharks in a room before entering it.

5. Do not fashion tools from lead.

Kikfon is a god.

She takes the form of a very long, proud dog.

Kikfon created the Whirlpool Galaxy seven trillion years ago.

If you believe in Kikfon, she will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Kikfon, she will name a particularly small and pointless comet after you.

Kikfon's most sacred site is Rautio in Finland.

Kikfon's Holy Commandments

1. Always cleanse your hands after touching aluminium.

2. Do not hurt swans.

3. Fast once a month.

4. Do not drink from vessels made of titanium.

5. Always treat doves with great respect.