Zendudsis is a god.

It takes the form of a nine thousand metre long, unthinking salamander.

Zendudsis created snails two quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Zendudsis, it will answer your prayers.

If you do not believe in Zendudsis, it will not care.

Zendudsis' most sacred site is Kottucherry in India.

Zendudsis' Holy Commandments

1. Always wear fawn.

2. Never discuss deoxyribonucleic acid in public assemblies.

3. Never pour water over plants.

4. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

5. Never speak aloud of signs.

Rakbassjig is a god.

She takes the form of a slender, temperamental lizard.

Rakbassjig created dark energy nine billion years ago.

If you believe in Rakbassjig, she will make you immortal.

If you do not believe in Rakbassjig, she will jump up and down fuming with anger.

Rakbassjig's most sacred site is Issigeac in France.

Rakbassjig's Holy Commandments

1. Never think ill of sick seals.

2. Always prostrate yourself in the presence of your elders.

3. Always pray in complete darkness.

4. Never eat cucumbers.

5. Do not speak of dark matter near sacred fires.

Yokhantim is a god.

It takes the form of a chunky, egotistical coyote.

Yokhantim created dark matter six billion years ago.

If you believe in Yokhantim, it will grant you three wishes.

If you do not believe in Yokhantim, it will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Yokhantim's most sacred site is Altata in Mexico.

Yokhantim's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about dwarf planets.

2. Always check lakes for frogs.

3. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

4. Never pray while filled with anger.

5. Never think ill of sick hamsters.

Cipxuckgov is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely small, all-knowing parrot.

Cipxuckgov created a bottom quark eight quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Cipxuckgov, he will grant you three wishes.

If you do not believe in Cipxuckgov, he will refuse to believe in you.

Cipxuckgov's most sacred site is Kerris in England.

Cipxuckgov's Holy Commandments

1. Always count to nine before sleeping.

2. Do not resist balance.

3. You must never eat grapes.

4. Paint representations of dwarf planets on the walls of your dwelling place.

5. Never carve symbols of planets into wood.

Wannullfar is a god.

He takes the form of a seven hundred metre long, tranquil badger.

Wannullfar created tapeworms four quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Wannullfar, he will grant your every desire.

If you do not believe in Wannullfar, he will turn you into a frog.

Wannullfar's most sacred site is Saint Cado in France.

Wannullfar's Holy Commandments

1. Do not contemplate optics during the night.

2. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

3. Never think about special relativity near porpoises while wearing purple stockings and balancing seven aluminium spheres on your hands.

4. Never go into red rooms.

5. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.

Tonkfagtom is a god.

He takes the form of a galaxy-sized, duplicitous badger.

Tonkfagtom created the planet Saturn six quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Tonkfagtom, he will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Tonkfagtom, he will refuse to believe in you.

Tonkfagtom's most sacred site is Polagam in India.

Tonkfagtom's Holy Commandments

1. Never cross forests at midnight.

2. Do not cook food in pots.

3. Never speak aloud of secrets.

4. Always maintain patience during days of mourning.

5. Do not contemplate fluid mechanics during the night.

Ingbenpinzan is a god.

She takes the form of an eight thousand metre long, selfish giraffe.

Ingbenpinzan created the planet Mars eighteen thousand years ago.

If you believe in Ingbenpinzan, she will smite all your enemies.

If you do not believe in Ingbenpinzan, she will not care at all.

Ingbenpinzan's most sacred site is Goat's Hole Cave in England.

Ingbenpinzan's Holy Commandments

1. Frogs are unholy and should not be approached.

2. Never chant in the presence of geese.

3. Hide from turquoise grasshopers for they are unholy.

4. Fast once a month.

5. Never cross crossroads at dawn.

Volmetfun is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely small, conceited dugong.

Volmetfun created viruses six thousand years ago.

If you believe in Volmetfun, she will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Volmetfun, she will not invite you to parties.

Volmetfun's most sacred site is Littoinen in Finland.

Volmetfun's Holy Commandments

1. Do not resist order.

2. Pray towards the south.

3. Do not speak sacred words in spring.

4. Never pour water over plants.

5. Show mercy to disobedient children.