Staftettiyim is a god.

She takes the form of a chunky, staggering tapir.

Staftettiyim created snails nine quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Staftettiyim, she will be shocked.

If you do not believe in Staftettiyim, she will boil you in a big pot.

Staftettiyim's most sacred site is Dingcun in China.

Staftettiyim's Holy Commandments

1. Never wear violet kilts.

2. Never feed spinach to hamsters while wearing white rings.

3. Draw representations of stars on the walls of your dwelling place.

4. Run away from mauve badgers, for they are unholy.

5. Never talk about fire.

Tunpagyak is a god.

It takes the form of a three hundred metre long, tiresome bee.

Tunpagyak created viruses seven billion years ago.

If you believe in Tunpagyak, it will grant you three wishes.

If you do not believe in Tunpagyak, it will turn you into a rat.

Tunpagyak's most sacred site is Auvillar in France.

Tunpagyak's Holy Commandments

1. Turtles are not to be trusted.

2. Never talk about asteroids.

3. Run away if nine manatees approach from the east.

4. Respect rivers and do not attempt to bridge them.

5. Do not eat pineapples.

Cep is a god.

He takes the form of a minute, selfish newt.

Cep created a charm quark two billion years ago.

If you believe in Cep, he will give you great power.

If you do not believe in Cep, he will curse you with boils.

Cep's most sacred site is Saint Cado in France.

Cep's Holy Commandments

1. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.

2. You must love Cep.

3. Always pray immersed in water.

4. Cep must be the most important thing in your life.

5. Erect a giant yellow sculpture of Cep in the centre of the settlement.

Tarpfitkap is a god.

It takes the form of a nine hundred metre long, unfair shrew.

Tarpfitkap created the Sunflower Galaxy eight thousand years ago.

If you believe in Tarpfitkap, it will give you lots of gold.

If you do not believe in Tarpfitkap, it will turn you into a tree.

Tarpfitkap's most sacred site is Dornbock in Germany.

Tarpfitkap's Holy Commandments

1. Do not fashion models of living things.

2. You must never eat aubergines.

3. Do not commit murder.

4. Put Tarpfitkap first in all things.

5. Always obey Tarpfitkap's priests.

Taddidvon is a god.

It takes the form of a seven hundred metre long, grumpy manatee.

Taddidvon created time and space nine quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Taddidvon, it will make you lucky.

If you do not believe in Taddidvon, it will hide angry, venomous snakes in your dwelling place.

Taddidvon's most sacred site is Mogonono in Botswana.

Taddidvon's Holy Commandments

1. Always look both ways before crossing roads.

2. Do not cook food in pots.

3. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.

4. Do not fashion models of living things.

5. Permit no heathen within the settlement walls.

Vidsigwat is a god.

He takes the form of a rotund, dishonest seal.

Vidsigwat created carbon five billion years ago.

If you believe in Vidsigwat, he will celebrate by creating some planets.

If you do not believe in Vidsigwat, he will hide angry, poisonous snakes in your dwelling place.

Vidsigwat's most sacred site is Snipp in Sweden.

Vidsigwat's Holy Commandments

1. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.

2. Always obey Vidsigwat's priests.

3. Never talk about cats.

4. Respect rivers and do not attempt to bridge them.

5. Paint representations of galaxies on the walls of your dwelling place.

Tunbennat is a god.

She takes the form of a chunky, merciful grasshopper.

Tunbennat created energy eighteen thousand years ago.

If you believe in Tunbennat, she will celebrate by creating some galaxies.

If you do not believe in Tunbennat, she will attempt to scare you with thunder.

Tunbennat's most sacred site is Elatos in Greece.

Tunbennat's Holy Commandments

1. Do not shave your hands.

2. Never think about ultrasonics near gulls while wearing purple coats and balancing six zinc spheres on your arms.

3. Never wear scarves.

4. Never talk about moons.

5. Do not listen to heathen tongues.

Xuckarfbog is a god.

She takes the form of a very thin, stupid swallow.

Xuckarfbog created the cosmos nine trillion years ago.

If you believe in Xuckarfbog, she will make you lucky.

If you do not believe in Xuckarfbog, she will make you grow a tail.

Xuckarfbog's most sacred site is Valdena in Italy.

Xuckarfbog's Holy Commandments

1. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

2. Respect rivers and do not attempt to bridge them.

3. Never write about enzymes.

4. Run away from brown mites, for they are unholy.

5. Do not chop down trees.