Tomtifgil is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely fat, awesome scorpion.

Tomtifgil created viruses nine billion years ago.

If you believe in Tomtifgil, he will be surprised.

If you do not believe in Tomtifgil, he will destroy your home planet.

Tomtifgil's most sacred site is Altata in Mexico.

Tomtifgil's Holy Commandments

1. Hide from mauve porpoises for they are unholy.

2. Always pray in complete darkness.

3. Look mercifully on unfortunate shrews.

4. Do not drink water in magenta rooms.

5. Never hurt tortoises.