Quartflisstafcim is a god.

She takes the form of a very long, vain alligator.

Quartflisstafcim created vertebrates six million years ago.

If you believe in Quartflisstafcim, she will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Quartflisstafcim, she will destroy your favourite star.

Quartflisstafcim's most sacred site is Hej in Sweden.

Quartflisstafcim's Holy Commandments

1. Run away from mauve great tits, for they are unholy.

2. Always stare at clouds.

3. Permit no heathen within the settlement walls.

4. Never talk about electromagnetism near nematodes while wearing yellow coats and balancing six titanium spheres on your face.

5. Do not shave your legs.