Tonkyikjan is a god.

He takes the form of an eight thousand metre long, staggering unicorn.

Tonkyikjan created the Whirlpool Galaxy twelve years ago.

If you believe in Tonkyikjan, he will be surprised.

If you do not believe in Tonkyikjan, he will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Tonkyikjan's most sacred site is Kardous in Egypt.

Tonkyikjan's Holy Commandments

1. Worship no other gods but Tonkyikjan.

2. Do not chop down trees.

3. Never think about dark matter near goats while wearing green scarves and balancing seven gold spheres on your head.

4. Badgers are unholy and should not be approached.

5. Your children must be taught to worship Tonkyikjan.