Higgedcut Volhadfat is a god.

It takes the form of a minute, awesome goblin.

Higgedcut Volhadfat created snails eight million years ago.

If you believe in Higgedcut Volhadfat, it will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Higgedcut Volhadfat, it will jump up and down fuming with rage.

Higgedcut Volhadfat's most sacred site is Gulval in England.

Higgedcut Volhadfat's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink alcohol.

2. Put Higgedcut Volhadfat first in all things.

3. Always make sure there are no capybaras in a room before entering it.

4. Run away from blue great tits, for they are unholy.

5. Treat sacred texts with the utmost of respect.