Waptimven is a god.

She takes the form of a nine hundred metre long, conceited octopus.

Waptimven created the Sol system seven billion years ago.

If you believe in Waptimven, she will give you the power of flight.

If you do not believe in Waptimven, she will curse you and those you beget for all time.

Waptimven's most sacred site is Goldcliff in Wales.

Waptimven's Holy Commandments

1. Never think about fluid mechanics near horses while wearing purple kilts and balancing eight nickel spheres on your arms.

2. Your children must be taught to worship Waptimven.

3. Feed all hungry pigs.

4. Retreat if three mites approach from the east.

5. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.