Quimflanbell is a god.

She takes the form of a chunky, deceitful pig.

Quimflanbell created a strange quark nine billion years ago.

If you believe in Quimflanbell, she will look after your home planet.

If you do not believe in Quimflanbell, she will turn you into a blue tit.

Quimflanbell's most sacred site is Dingcun in China.

Quimflanbell's Holy Commandments

1. Never paint your face white.

2. Run away from purple nematodes, for they are unholy.

3. Always make sure there are no badgers in a room before entering it.

4. Erect a large aluminium sculpture of Quimflanbell on top of all buildings.

5. Do not chop down trees.