Jonlopflow Satgarmif is a god.

He takes the form of a very long, egotistical squirrel.

Jonlopflow Satgarmif created a charm quark eight quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Jonlopflow Satgarmif, he will make you lucky.

If you do not believe in Jonlopflow Satgarmif, he will turn you into a hamster.

Jonlopflow Satgarmif's most sacred site is Hongcun in China.

Jonlopflow Satgarmif's Holy Commandments

1. Never mix turnips with ash.

2. Never chant in holy places.

3. Never think about dark energy.

4. Do not place cucumbers upon stone.

5. Never think about galaxies.