Omtjatcut is a god.

She takes the form of a small, quiet shark.

Omtjatcut created carbon eight billion years ago.

If you believe in Omtjatcut, she will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Omtjatcut, she will turn you into a dog.

Omtjatcut's most sacred site is Minnigaff in Scotland.

Omtjatcut's Holy Commandments

1. Always wear indigo.

2. Never mention seals.

3. Never paint your back cyan.

4. Always treat bats with great respect.

5. Always make a point of helping unfortunate aardvarks.