Zoggonquaf is a god.

She takes the form of a two thousand metre long, weak deer.

Zoggonquaf created the planet Earth seven trillion years ago.

If you believe in Zoggonquaf, she will visit you to thank you.

If you do not believe in Zoggonquaf, she will attempt to scare you with lightening.

Zoggonquaf's most sacred site is Iona in Scotland.

Zoggonquaf's Holy Commandments

1. Never eat bark.

2. Do not stand on grass.

3. Never chant while facing north.

4. Never talk about optics.

5. Never stain your arms with black.