Hasortmanzen is a god.

She takes the form of a corpulent, caring cyclops-rhinoceros-snail.

Hasortmanzen created a Higgs boson five million years ago.

If you believe in Hasortmanzen, she will be very happy.

If you do not believe in Hasortmanzen, she will send twenty eight swans to peck you to death.

Hasortmanzen's most sacred site is Cuandixia in China.

Hasortmanzen's Holy Commandments

1. Never feed apples to sharks while wearing violet stockings.

2. Fast once a month.

3. Respect your elders.

4. Never talk about special relativity.

5. Do not make images of living things.