Ontcimcin Lakzimnan is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely small, compassionate unicorn.

Ontcimcin Lakzimnan created light five quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Ontcimcin Lakzimnan, he will visit you to thank you.

If you do not believe in Ontcimcin Lakzimnan, he will jump up and down on your head until it really hurts.

Ontcimcin Lakzimnan's most sacred site is Bokaa in Botswana.

Ontcimcin Lakzimnan's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about fire.

2. Always make sure there are no tapirs in a building before entering it.

3. Never write about chromosomes.

4. Always look both ways before crossing roads.

5. Walk at least seven thousand metres per day.