Bonquagtab is a god.

He takes the form of a small, selfish giraffe.

Bonquagtab created tapeworms twelve years ago.

If you believe in Bonquagtab, he will smite all your enemies.

If you do not believe in Bonquagtab, he will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Bonquagtab's most sacred site is Kauvatsa in Finland.

Bonquagtab's Holy Commandments

1. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.

2. Always share garlic with strangers, but never with snails.

3. Never prepare aubergines during spring.

4. Never eat bark.

5. Always treat whales with great respect.