Tarpcibven is a god.

She takes the form of a very heavy, impressive whale.

Tarpcibven created a strange quark seven trillion years ago.

If you believe in Tarpcibven, she will not care.

If you do not believe in Tarpcibven, she will curse you and those you beget for seventy quadrillion years.

Tarpcibven's most sacred site is Daren in Wales.

Tarpcibven's Holy Commandments

1. Do not listen to heathen tongues.

2. Never eat strawberries on days of mourning.

3. Do not resist order.

4. Always pray in complete darkness.

5. Never gather seven swans in one place.