Hamtomten is a god.

He takes the form of a huge, able troll.

Hamtomten created Europe eight million years ago.

If you believe in Hamtomten, he will give you the power of flight.

If you do not believe in Hamtomten, he will send twenty eight swans to peck you to death.

Hamtomten's most sacred site is Iskmo in Finland.

Hamtomten's Holy Commandments

1. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

2. Never tolerate whispers in holy places.

3. Never think about quantum mechanics near grasshopers while wearing yellow hats and balancing nine lead spheres on your chest.

4. Never write about bacteria.

5. Shrews are unholy and should not be approached.