Dumtonkbed is a god.

He takes the form of a gargantuan, omniscient donkey.

Dumtonkbed created an atom three thousand years ago.

If you believe in Dumtonkbed, he will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Dumtonkbed, he will torture you forever.

Dumtonkbed's most sacred site is Leps in Germany.

Dumtonkbed's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about dark energy near seals while wearing turquoise stockings.

2. Never wear shoes.

3. Always make sure there are no horses in a room before entering it.

4. Never allow turtles to sleep beneath your roof.

5. Always help geese in need.