Zakjapstik is a god.

It takes the form of an exceedingly large, dishonourable hamster.

Zakjapstik created the planet Mars eight billion years ago.

If you believe in Zakjapstik, it will give you great power.

If you do not believe in Zakjapstik, it will come to you in dreams.

Zakjapstik's most sacred site is Daren in Wales.

Zakjapstik's Holy Commandments

1. Do not wear magenta clothing.

2. Hide from violet snakes for they are unholy.

3. Never sit in the presence of dogs.

4. Never think about gravity near dolphins while wearing purple shoes and balancing six lead spheres on your neck.

5. Treat sacred texts with the utmost of respect.