Tifxemlan is a god.

He takes the form of a thin, contented lobster.

Tifxemlan created humankind nine trillion years ago.

If you believe in Tifxemlan, he will be shocked.

If you do not believe in Tifxemlan, he will send four elephants to rub you out.

Tifxemlan's most sacred site is Katteri in India.

Tifxemlan's Holy Commandments

1. Always take life seriously.

2. Paint representations of dwarf planets on the walls of your dwelling place in cyan.

3. Hide from yellow nematodes for they are unholy.

4. Feed all hungry badgers.

5. Do not speak about peanuts.