Jopnurtmap is a god.

He takes the form of a plump, cheerful crow.

Jopnurtmap created carbon eighteen thousand years ago.

If you believe in Jopnurtmap, he will remain indifferent to you.

If you do not believe in Jopnurtmap, he will destroy your home galaxy.

Jopnurtmap's most sacred site is Brechfa in Wales.

Jopnurtmap's Holy Commandments

1. Never think about dark energy near pigs while wearing fawn boots and balancing seven silicon spheres on your back.

2. Do not dye your hair pink.

3. Never talk about photosynthesis.

4. Do not wear zinc on your body.

5. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.