Jamquimvenwonnell is a god.

She takes the form of a fat, awesome scorpion.

Jamquimvenwonnell created dark matter four thousand years ago.

If you believe in Jamquimvenwonnell, she will make you immortal.

If you do not believe in Jamquimvenwonnell, she will not care at all.

Jamquimvenwonnell's most sacred site is Xtul in Mexico.

Jamquimvenwonnell's Holy Commandments

1. Always help sick aardvarks.

2. Never talk about asteroids.

3. Retreat if six birds approach from the north.

4. Never hurt sharks.

5. Always obey Jamquimvenwonnell's priests.