Pigcantunmum is a god.

It takes the form of a very fat, awe-inspiring finch.

Pigcantunmum created energy four thousand years ago.

If you believe in Pigcantunmum, it will give you great power.

If you do not believe in Pigcantunmum, it will turn you into a frog.

Pigcantunmum's most sacred site is Hoddom in Scotland.

Pigcantunmum's Holy Commandments

1. Respect your elders.

2. Never think about enzymes.

3. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

4. Worship no other gods but Pigcantunmum.

5. Never talk about moons.