Janlapkan is a god.

She takes the form of an exceedingly fat, stupid shrew.

Janlapkan created the Cigar Galaxy eight thousand years ago.

If you believe in Janlapkan, she will be shocked.

If you do not believe in Janlapkan, she will make you grow a tail.

Janlapkan's most sacred site is Iskmo in Finland.

Janlapkan's Holy Commandments

1. Always treat ants with great respect.

2. Never think about asteroids.

3. Never feed onions to eagles while wearing jumpers.

4. Never pour water over plants.

5. Never think about thermodynamics near aardvarks while wearing white ear rings and balancing three carbon spheres on your hands.