Bamhatcam is a god.

It takes the form of a very heavy, ill-tempered dugong.

Bamhatcam created Africa eight million years ago.

If you believe in Bamhatcam, it will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Bamhatcam, it will make you grow a tail.

Bamhatcam's most sacred site is Glastonbury Tor in England.

Bamhatcam's Holy Commandments

1. Never paint your neck brown.

2. Hide if nine gulls approach from the south.

3. Do not fashion models of living things.

4. Never eat bark.

5. Treat sacred texts with the utmost of respect.