Gumtagjab Ortnabhon is a god.

She takes the form of a very large, selfish narwhal.

Gumtagjab Ortnabhon created everything that exists eight billion years ago.

If you believe in Gumtagjab Ortnabhon, she will approve.

If you do not believe in Gumtagjab Ortnabhon, she will send five hundred and sixty eight geese to peck you to death.

Gumtagjab Ortnabhon's most sacred site is Grimme in Germany.

Gumtagjab Ortnabhon's Holy Commandments

1. Never paint your neck purple.

2. Never look at planets.

3. Never talk about pigs.

4. Do not stand on grass.

5. Always pray immersed in water.