Flanfumstik is a god.

He takes the form of an enormous, all-powerful crab.

Flanfumstik created carbon nine thousand years ago.

If you believe in Flanfumstik, he will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Flanfumstik, he will turn you into a dog.

Flanfumstik's most sacred site is Trujillo in Spain.

Flanfumstik's Holy Commandments

1. Do not speak sacred words in summer.

2. Do not fashion tools from nickel.

3. Never curse while facing east.

4. Do not study horizontal gene transfer on holy days.

5. Always wear plain shirts during rituals.