Quaffem Cumbisscud is a god.

It takes the form of a microscopic, prudent rhinoceros.

Quaffem Cumbisscud created dark energy two million years ago.

If you believe in Quaffem Cumbisscud, it will give you lots of gold.

If you do not believe in Quaffem Cumbisscud, it will send five hundred and sixty eight geese to peck you to death.

Quaffem Cumbisscud's most sacred site is Burras in England.

Quaffem Cumbisscud's Holy Commandments

1. Do not chop down trees.

2. Quaffem Cumbisscud loves doves, so they must be honoured.

3. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

4. Never mention birds.

5. Show mercy to disobedient children.