Bonfetbig is a god.

It takes the form of a very small, unthinking jackal.

Bonfetbig created a charm quark two million years ago.

If you believe in Bonfetbig, it will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Bonfetbig, it will try to impress you with trees.

Bonfetbig's most sacred site is Brechfa in Wales.

Bonfetbig's Holy Commandments

1. You must never eat peanuts.

2. Never play with disobedient children.

3. Never pour water over plants.

4. Walk at least four thousand metres per day.

5. Never talk about fire.