Jatkimveen is a god.

It takes the form of an enormous, compassionate seal.

Jatkimveen created snails five million years ago.

If you believe in Jatkimveen, it will give you a free planet.

If you do not believe in Jatkimveen, it will turn you into a slug.

Jatkimveen's most sacred site is Kgope in Botswana.

Jatkimveen's Holy Commandments

1. Always pray immersed in water.

2. Do not commit murder.

3. Never write about special relativity.

4. Worship no other gods but Jatkimveen.

5. Do not take Jatkimveen's name in vain.