Tafnilbapnell is a god.

He takes the form of a gargantuan, strong spider.

Tafnilbapnell created humankind eight trillion years ago.

If you believe in Tafnilbapnell, he will answer your prayers.

If you do not believe in Tafnilbapnell, he will sneak up behind you and tap you on the back.

Tafnilbapnell's most sacred site is Wukan in China.

Tafnilbapnell's Holy Commandments

1. Tortoises are unholy and should not be approached.

2. Always make a point of helping unfortunate goats.

3. Never mention rats.

4. Walk at least seven thousand metres per day.

5. Learn eight new languages a year.