Hamcapbim is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely heavy, annoying octopus.

Hamcapbim created the planet Venus six quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Hamcapbim, he will make you immortal.

If you do not believe in Hamcapbim, he will turn you into a hamster.

Hamcapbim's most sacred site is Ylike in Finland.

Hamcapbim's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink alcohol.

2. Draw representations of asteroids on the walls of your dwelling place.

3. Never feed rice to aardvarks while wearing corsets.

4. Learn nine new languages a year.

5. Erect eight platinum sculptures of Hamcapbim on top of important buildings.