Tonkemyim is a god.

He takes the form of a microscopic, effective lobster.

Tonkemyim created humankind nine quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Tonkemyim, he will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Tonkemyim, he will boil you in a big pot.

Tonkemyim's most sacred site is Sanabo in Egypt.

Tonkemyim's Holy Commandments

1. Never think about the strong nuclear force.

2. Never allow foxes to witness sacred rites.

3. Always make sure there are no porpoises in a building before entering it.

4. Do not speak of dark matter near sacred fires.

5. Put Tonkemyim first in all things.