Tinquamkin is a god.

She takes the form of a three hundred metre long, kind narwhal.

Tinquamkin created everything that exists seven billion years ago.

If you believe in Tinquamkin, she will celebrate by creating some galaxies.

If you do not believe in Tinquamkin, she will destroy your favourite galaxy.

Tinquamkin's most sacred site is Hoddom in Scotland.

Tinquamkin's Holy Commandments

1. Always store apples above ground.

2. Do not shave your back.

3. Never go into orange rooms.

4. Show mercy to disobedient children.

5. Always make sure there are no sharks in a room before entering it.