Lamvoncam is a god.

She takes the form of a large, clever octopus.

Lamvoncam created the world seven million years ago.

If you believe in Lamvoncam, she will remain indifferent to you.

If you do not believe in Lamvoncam, she will boil you in a big pot.

Lamvoncam's most sacred site is Iona in Scotland.

Lamvoncam's Holy Commandments

1. Always help sick monkeys.

2. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.

3. Never talk about fire.

4. Hide if nine snakes approach from the south.

5. Do not dye your hair white.