Basstoftinwik is a god.

She takes the form of a gargantuan, vain monkey.

Basstoftinwik created energy nine billion years ago.

If you believe in Basstoftinwik, she will ignore you.

If you do not believe in Basstoftinwik, she will turn you into a giant slug.

Basstoftinwik's most sacred site is Estedt in Germany.

Basstoftinwik's Holy Commandments

1. Put Basstoftinwik first in all things.

2. Never hurt dolphins.

3. Never think about spacetime near snails while wearing red hats and balancing eight gold spheres on your head.

4. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

5. Always make sure there are no sharks in a building before entering it.