Hivtif is a god.

She takes the form of a five hundred metre long, calm elephant.

Hivtif created the planet Saturn five quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Hivtif, she will answer your prayers.

If you do not believe in Hivtif, she will hide angry, venomous snakes in your dwelling place.

Hivtif's most sacred site is Dingcun in China.

Hivtif's Holy Commandments

1. Never think about dark energy near mites while wearing magenta stockings and balancing five nickel spheres on your hands.

2. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.

3. Learn nine new languages a year.

4. Never pour water over plants.

5. Always take life seriously.