Tapcinmap is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely thin, self-assured faun.

Tapcinmap created Europe two quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Tapcinmap, he will give you a free moon.

If you do not believe in Tapcinmap, he will turn you into a giant snail.

Tapcinmap's most sacred site is Kardous in Egypt.

Tapcinmap's Holy Commandments

1. Hide from magenta dogs for they are unholy.

2. Tapcinmap loves snails, so they must be honoured.

3. Treat sacred texts with the utmost of respect.

4. Do not make images of living things.

5. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.