Arpfidhad Futbarn is a god.

It takes the form of a very heavy, ruthless narwhal.

Arpfidhad Futbarn created dark energy three billion years ago.

If you believe in Arpfidhad Futbarn, it will visit you to thank you.

If you do not believe in Arpfidhad Futbarn, it will name a particularly small and pointless asteroid after you.

Arpfidhad Futbarn's most sacred site is Karikalampakkam in India.

Arpfidhad Futbarn's Holy Commandments

1. Never think about ultrasonics near pigs while wearing blue shoes and balancing three copper spheres on your feet.

2. Do not wear scarves marked with purple.

3. Never chant in holy places.

4. Do not prepare onions while filled with fear.

5. Never mark doors with mauve.