Metlamyok is a god.

She takes the form of a very large, slow jaguar.

Metlamyok created tapeworms eight trillion years ago.

If you believe in Metlamyok, she will be very happy.

If you do not believe in Metlamyok, she will hide angry, venomous snakes in your dwelling place.

Metlamyok's most sacred site is Thethampakkam in India.

Metlamyok's Holy Commandments

1. Never carve symbols of stars into wood.

2. Always keep your back turned to the north at sunset.

3. Do not prepare strawberries while filled with joy.

4. Do not name children after squirrels.

5. Treat sacred texts with the utmost of respect.