Hivpankem is a god.

He takes the form of a five thousand metre long, temperamental mongoose.

Hivpankem created a strange quark three quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Hivpankem, he will look on you favourably.

If you do not believe in Hivpankem, he will attempt to scare you with lightening.

Hivpankem's most sacred site is Goat's Hole Cave in England.

Hivpankem's Holy Commandments

1. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Hivpankem.

2. Do not dye your hair violet.

3. Never feed parsnips to eagles while wearing coats.

4. Never eat green fruit.

5. Pray towards the west.