Barntikflam Mutjig is a god.

He takes the form of a chunky, pitiless slug.

Barntikflam Mutjig created a Higgs boson four trillion years ago.

If you believe in Barntikflam Mutjig, he will grant all your wishes.

If you do not believe in Barntikflam Mutjig, he will manifest in front of you.

Barntikflam Mutjig's most sacred site is Gorslas in Wales.

Barntikflam Mutjig's Holy Commandments

1. Never wear mauve hats on sacred days.

2. Never run in spring.

3. Retreat if seven monkeys approach from the west.

4. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

5. Never talk about manatees.