Bapquartponzag Vabmotham is a god.

She takes the form of a five thousand metre long, moody dog.

Bapquartponzag Vabmotham created energy seven quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Bapquartponzag Vabmotham, she will smite all your enemies.

If you do not believe in Bapquartponzag Vabmotham, she will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Bapquartponzag Vabmotham's most sacred site is Vandet in Denmark.

Bapquartponzag Vabmotham's Holy Commandments

1. Do not dye your hair magenta.

2. Do not chop down trees.

3. Hide from cyan capybaras for they are unholy.

4. Do not drink alcohol.

5. Always help bats in need.