Jarnmad is a god.

She takes the form of a heavy, unfair spider.

Jarnmad created oxygen four trillion years ago.

If you believe in Jarnmad, she will look on you favourably.

If you do not believe in Jarnmad, she will destroy your home planet.

Jarnmad's most sacred site is Daraina in Madagascar.

Jarnmad's Holy Commandments

1. You must never eat nuts.

2. Learn five new languages a year.

3. Never talk about ultrasonics near moths while wearing blue boots.

4. Walk at least seven thousand metres per day.

5. Never eat pineapples.