Haptifnab is a god.

It takes the form of a very thin, calm cow.

Haptifnab created dark matter seven trillion years ago.

If you believe in Haptifnab, it will grant you eternal life.

If you do not believe in Haptifnab, it will attempt to scare you with strong winds.

Haptifnab's most sacred site is Pedraza in Spain.

Haptifnab's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about voles.

2. Never sit in the presence of nematodes.

3. Never mention tortoises.

4. Do not cook food in pots.

5. Do not wear lead on your body.