Hapbegrot is a god.

She takes the form of a fat, unsympathetic gorilla.

Hapbegrot created the Sun five billion years ago.

If you believe in Hapbegrot, she will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Hapbegrot, she will turn you into a goat.

Hapbegrot's most sacred site is Thethampakkam in India.

Hapbegrot's Holy Commandments

1. Learn six new languages a year.

2. Never eat bark.

3. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

4. You must pray to Hapbegrot three times a day.

5. Do not wear gold on your body.