Vidpigbem is a god.

It takes the form of a thin, ruthless crab.

Vidpigbem created light three quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Vidpigbem, it will look after your home planet.

If you do not believe in Vidpigbem, it will turn you into a sparrow.

Vidpigbem's most sacred site is Bogogobo in Botswana.

Vidpigbem's Holy Commandments

1. Never feed limes to sharks while wearing green ear rings.

2. Vidpigbem loves squirrels, so they must be honoured.

3. Do not speak of thermodynamics near sacred fires.

4. Never carve symbols of black holes into wood.

5. Always help ducks.