Kikfodteen Hanwotgan is a god.

It takes the form of a huge, unselfish guinea pig.

Kikfodteen Hanwotgan created gold eight quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Kikfodteen Hanwotgan, it will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Kikfodteen Hanwotgan, it will send two she bears to sort you out.

Kikfodteen Hanwotgan's most sacred site is Elatos in Greece.

Kikfodteen Hanwotgan's Holy Commandments

1. Look mercifully on unfortunate turtles.

2. Shun those given to cruelty.

3. Never handle nickel while unclean.

4. Never paint your back pink.

5. Always store lemons above ground.