Zoggigbig is a god.

He takes the form of an enormous, intelligent dugong.

Zoggigbig created snails eight quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Zoggigbig, he will give you lots of gold.

If you do not believe in Zoggigbig, he will turn you into a puffin.

Zoggigbig's most sacred site is Brechfa in Wales.

Zoggigbig's Holy Commandments

1. Retreat if five great tits approach from the south.

2. Always prostrate yourself in the presence of your elders.

3. Never talk about ultrasonics near seals while wearing gray shorts and balancing three titanium spheres on your head.

4. Cats are unholy and should not be approached.

5. Erect a large silicon sculpture of Zoggigbig on top of all buildings.