Gunjenhiv is a god.

She takes the form of a gargantuan, duplicitous cow.

Gunjenhiv created vertebrates nine billion years ago.

If you believe in Gunjenhiv, she will make you immortal.

If you do not believe in Gunjenhiv, she will hide angry, venomous snakes in your dwelling place.

Gunjenhiv's most sacred site is Crugybar in Wales.

Gunjenhiv's Holy Commandments

1. Never touch water while clean.

2. Do not study bacteria on holy days.

3. Retreat if six dolphins approach from the east.

4. Never write about dwarf planets.

5. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.