Hatzimweggen is a god.

He takes the form of a seven hundred metre long, quiet narwhal.

Hatzimweggen created life two billion years ago.

If you believe in Hatzimweggen, he will make you immortal.

If you do not believe in Hatzimweggen, he will turn you into a giant snail.

Hatzimweggen's most sacred site is Demsin in Germany.

Hatzimweggen's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about fire.

2. Never go into magenta rooms.

3. Do not trade with those who eat spinach.

4. Never eat bark.

5. Walk at least four thousand metres per day.